Discovering Faith and Losing Myself Through Poverty

Discovering Faith and Losing Myself began long before I understood who I was becoming. Growing up was not glamorous
I moved from project to project while witnessing gang violence, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and other violent situations that sometimes ended in death. My environment shaped the way I viewed life at a very young age.

Although my mother worked hard and became a seamstress at one point, survival often became more important than growth, and poverty started to feel normal around us.

Looking Beyond the Life Around Me

As a child, I constantly looked at magazines, movies, beautiful homes, luxury cars, and successful families, wondering if life could become something greater than what I saw around me. Deep down, I always hoped I would go further in life and build a better future for myself. However, growing up around constant drama, limited knowledge, and unhealthy influences made success feel distant and difficult to reach.

All Money Isn’t Good Money

Over time, I began learning different ways to make money, even when some decisions placed me in unhealthy environments and dangerous situations. I slowly drifted away from my true identity and absorbed the mindsets, lifestyles, and spirits of the people surrounding me. Although I knew about God and attended church growing up, I never fully understood the Word or recognized how deeply faith could transform my life.

At times, the Bible felt overwhelming, and I struggled to understand many of its teachings. Even so, I knew there was truth, wisdom, and power within it. Eventually, the emotional exhaustion, spiritual confusion, and poor choices began affecting every part of my life. After experiencing painful moments and internal battles, I reached a point where I knew I needed change.

My Struggles Led Me to God

That season of brokenness became the beginning of my Discovering Faith and Losing Myself journey and ultimately led me toward prayer, healing, spiritual growth, and a deeper relationship with God.

Healing From Fear and Unhealthy Relationships

My journey toward faith, prayer, scripture, and becoming a more positive and spiritually grounded person was not easy. Transforming my mindset, lifestyle, and identity came with emotional battles, painful lessons, and moments of deep uncertainty.

Carrying Fear and Searching for Love

When I turned 18, my mother left, and I was left carrying years of fear that had been built through the painful stories and traumatic experiences she shared with my sister and me while we were growing up. Those fears deeply affected my emotions and the way I viewed life. At times, I struggled to be alone and constantly felt the need to have someone around me for comfort, protection, and emotional security.

The Fear of Being Alone

Over time, that fear became a burden, and I began attaching myself to men in unhealthy and toxic relationships instead of learning how to heal emotionally. I searched for love, protection, comfort, and validation in men who did not truly value or respect me. Many of those relationships became emotionally damaging and left me feeling used, heartbroken, anxious, lonely, and spiritually drained.

Instead of experiencing genuine love and support, I encountered dishonesty, manipulation, cheating, emotional abuse, and men who only wanted temporary benefits instead of building something meaningful together. Those experiences left deep emotional wounds and caused me to struggle with shame, bitterness, anxiety, insecurity, and emotional exhaustion. I gave so much energy to relationships that were never truly helping me grow.

Healing My Heart and Rebuilding My Faith

Because I never fully gave myself time to heal from those relationships, I continued repeating unhealthy patterns and pouring my energy into the wrong men instead of focusing on myself, my healing, and my relationship with God. Eventually, I realized I needed to stop searching for my worth through other people and begin rebuilding myself spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

That realization became part of my spiritual transformation. It taught me the importance of healing, knowing my worth, protecting my peace, and waiting on God for the right husband — someone who is ready to build, support, grow, and walk through life together in a healthy and faithful relationship. For Christian guardians.:

https://www.crosswalk.com/family/singles/

This Discovering Faith and Losing Myself journey taught me that healing starts with rebuilding your relationship with God and yourself.